How Long Will You Scream?

Last night, I asked God if he was deaf. To give you a brief description of how I've been feeling for the past month or so, I've felt like Satan grabbed me by my hair and threw me in a pit and said, "Stay there!" And when I try to crawl out, he pushes me in farther. And when I scream, "Lord, how could you let this happen?! Save me, please! Save me! Save me!" nothing happens. I'm sure a lot of other people, other than me, have felt that way and some time or another.

So, last night, I was writing in my prayer journal and I was asking God things like, "Are you deaf?" and, "How loud do I have to scream for you to come rescue me, your daughter?" and, "What are you waiting for me to say?" But then i began to think...and I realized that it's not about how loud you scream. It's about how long you keep screaming. It's about God seeing how desperate you are to get out of that pit and run to his arms. How long you'll keep fighting. Even if it means letting go of someone you love, leaving them to get out of that pit alone. And blaming God for that won't do anything. God does everything exactly how and when he means to. And sometimes it doesn't make sense, but he never said that it would. He will push you to your absolute limit.

So, when we get mad at him for not coming to our rescue right at the beginning, we're showing how mature we really are. I'm not trying to down whoever is reading this, I just want you to know.

But anyway, back to what I was saying. If we don't go through trials, then we are like children. Children are constantly looked after because they aren't strong or wise enough to stand alone. Good parents will eventually get their kids out of that. God is the same way. You won't always feel him, but he's there. And if you're ever scared or in trouble, you can go to him. But he never guarenteed that we would feel him all the time. And when you go through a time when you just don't know what to do but scream out his name, that's when he listens.

So, if you're like me and you feel like God isn't hearing you scream, don't worry. Just keep fighting. I promise, he's not deaf. He hears. But if you really want to be saved, you'll scream for as long as you can. That's what he's listening for. And the feeling won't last forever, so don't worry. That's just how God works.

"Beautifully broken, if that's who you are
Beautifully crumbling and falling apart
Perfectly crashing down on your knees
Oh, but that's how i get to your heart"

"Beautifully Broken"
Evan Milby

It's me again. Because it's Holy Week I'm really inspired to write about Easter. So that's what I'm going to do.

I used to be a... I won't say lukewarm christian, but an uneducated and naive christian. In fact, when I think about it, lukewarm sounds better to me. I didn't do drugs or drink or anything outrageous but I did sin and I didn't think twice about it. I didn't care anything about reading my bible outside of church or praying for that matter unless it was before eating(by habit). I didn't think about God that much except in church or if someone mentioned him specifically. And I think that stuff breajs his heart just as much as anything else.

But anyway, I had been doing the Easter drama at church for two or three years and I would go out and do it and that would be it. So, I had already done Palm Sunday and it was the Tuesday after Palm Sunday. I didn't know why, but Easter had been on my mind after I did Palm Sunday. So, I was in my Rules of Engagement and Purity class and it hit me, like a bomb... Jesus, an innocent and perfect man taking my place...me, the real criminal. And if whoever is reading this knows me then you know I was bawling. And I bet if you've had this experience(whether you're a man or not) you had some kind of emotional connection too. And yes, tough guys are aloud to cry. If not, you're very strong. So I got out of the class about 60 seconds early and went to the bathroom. My face was a hot mess to say the least. So a couple days went by and I was looking forward to Easter. And when it came, I was ready...or so I thought. Because when that performance started, and I know it sounds stupid, it felt real. Every cry out from Jesus was nearly impossible to bear. And even though I knew in my subconscious that it was an actor playing Jesus, I wouldn't dare look into those loving yet agonizing eyes. And every beat of the nail made me think of why it should have been me on the cross. Every beat of that cross and every cry out from Jesus made my heart sink lower and lower...he shouldn't have had to do that. But he did it anyway for me. and that makes no sense in itself. I could understand him dying for someone like Pastor Dan. But me? I'm so undeserving and so imperfect. How could he love me so much? I don't know. If you know the answer comment and tell me. It reminds me of a great song called Carried to the Table. It goes like this...

"I'm carried to the table, seated where I don't belong
carried to the table, swept away by his love
and I don't see my brokenness anymore
when I'm seated at the table of the lord
I'm carried to the table
the table of the lord"

Great song! Well, I hope at least a portion of this blog has blessed you. Have a Jesus-filled day. =]

"And God demonstrates his love for us in this; while we were still sinners
Christ died for us"
Romans 5:8

What is love? Love is God. And God is love… that is what holy week is all about in my opinion. And that is a lot of people’s opinion. Think about one of the most precious things to you… a person more or less. Can you imagine sending that person to die for someone who didn’t even listen to you? Then, imagine that you were sent to die for people that spit on you. Would you be willing to do that? I wouldn’t. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to not fight back. In my eyes, it’s impossible. He was trying to save people and was showing them unfailing love, and they threw it in his face. He went through the most humiliating, painful, and brutal deaths in all of history. And there are a lot of days that go by when I don’t even give him any credit for it. I made a promise when I turned my life to him… to live my life like those 33 years that he did. And when I don’t live like that, I’m driving those nails into his hands myself. That person that did nothing wrong and showed love to people that spit on him and cursed him… I’m crucifying him again when I don’t keep my promise. And yet… he never stops showing me his flawless love, mercy, and grace. If I died for someone, I would not even think about giving them as many chances as he’s given me. So, this love that people always talk about around this time of the year… I don’t know how to explain it. In fact, I don’t think any man can. But if we really understand it in our hearts this holy week and just get it… maybe, maybe we can live by it a little bit better. We hated him without a cause, and he died for us. THAT is love.